TOP: Because. Because this is where we live. Because it is our duty to defend it.

TIMMY: Why?

TOP: Because we must.

TIMMY: Why?

TOP: Because this is the greatest country on earth.

TIMMY: Why?

TOP: Well, we’re the biggest.

TARA: Actually not. Actually, China’s bigger. Canada’s bigger. France is not bigger. France is the size of Vermont.

TOP: We invented government.

TARA: What?

TOP: The greatest.

BURNS: They’re just kids, sergeant. Children.

RAY: Situations like this is why they don’t want women in combat.

TIMMY: Can we call our mother? She doesn’t know we’re here.

BURNS: Sergeant, request permission to take these children in.

RAY: You can’t fight it.

BURNS: Fight what?

RAY: Your biology.

BURNS: Sergeant Ray, I am speaking not “as a woman” but as a Soldier: these kids are not equipped for this terrain.

RAY: I can see that. Out of shape (Pause.) Body is your Vehicle, kids. Marines taught me that. Your daddy taught me that. Respect your vehicle! What are you trying to hide there, son?

TIMMY: (Clutching his bag of chips.) Nothing. (Beat.) BBQ Potato Chips. Want some?

RAY: (To BURNS) We have to confiscate those.

KODIAK: At 7PM we found Henry Kropotkin, formerly of the MIT Bio-Tech Think Tank, in a pub in the small desert hamlet of Jean Good Springs, Nevada. He was wearing a pale blue parka the entire time. In eight-five degree weather. (Hands the tape recorder to SCHUYLER.)

SCHUYLER: Some sort of Humbert Humbert situation is going on. Kropotkin left the barroom with a teenager. Refused to discuss the possibility of joining the project. Cites a buzzing in his head., Cites an inability to focus. Cites a drop in temperature. Cites a Catholic apparition in his Mexican food. Cites a loss of interest. (Hands the tape recorder to SCHMITZ.)

SCHMITZ: I have very little to add. Except that I strongly suspect that it’s all an act.

PICKLES: Will you call me Amelia?

WICKETT: If you will call me Josiah. (They sit.) I immediately regretted it. I could feel my Christian name hanging over me like the sword of Damocles. My tongue positively rebelled at the prospect of addressing Miss Pickles as Amelia. A “Miss Pickles” one could ask for another biscuit, an open window shut, or a little less flour in the gravy. An “Amelia,” though – One closed windows oneself for an “Amelia.” One put out cigars for an “Amelia.” For an “Amelia,” one put down one’s book and ran upstairs to fetch a shawl. In my easy chair I was anything but.

WICKET: …when we were landlady and tenant it would have been improper for me to speak of certain things before you, things like – the conjugal act.

PICKLES: Captain Wickett!

WICKETT: But now we are man and wife, one flesh, and we may speak of such things, may we not?

PICKLES: I am going to bed now, and I shall latch my door!

WICKETT: I shall break it down! You cannot lock your husband out of your bedchamber! The law is on my side!

PICKLES: Captain, you may have spent however many years in the Army, killing ever so many men, but believe me, you will find a formidable opponent in Amelia Pickles!

JUDGE: This court is now in session. First let me say that the two of you have done more violence to the sacrament of matrimony than anyone since Henry the Eighth. Marriage is a Holy Institution, not a game to be tossed out when it no longer amuses. I am proud to say I am married. I treasure my wife, and if she ever comes back from Italy, I’ll tell her so. Now it is quite clear that even by the most elastic standards, no proper marriage ever took place between the two parties before me. Divorce hardly seems necessary. How, therefore, can I make my displeasure felt in terms strong enough to express the outrage I feel as a Christian, as a Husband, and as a Jurist? I can think of only one way. And so, after careful consideration, I have decided to reject this petition you have put before me. The motion for divorce is denied. May you live happily ever after. (Pickles swoons as the curtain falls.)

FRANK:

I don’t exactly know how we became friends but it was some time

after

Larry told me I wasn’t the guy for him

THEO:

I didn’t like either one of them at first but then one of

them sublet their way into my building and then

the other got the other an

apartment and somehow we were all

neighbors and when you share a landlord with people you have

of course a

Built-In Common Enemy and there’s just about nothing more

Bond-inducing than Sharply Focused Ill Will

BABETTE:

Basically I think we all felt a little

sorry for each other Isn’t that how most friendships start I mean

when

choosing friends you’re either drawn to people You

Wish You Were or you’re drawn to

people You’re Afraid You Are

FRANK:

Listen Theo do you have a minute

THEO:

Is it about Babette

FRANK:

As a matter of fact it’s not about Babette It’s about the

erotic dreams I’ve recently been having

in which you figure prominently

THEO:

I’m flattered Frank but I’m afraid

your dreams won’t do me any good

I’d better check my machine before

dinner She’s probably called

BABETTE:

There’s a piece of paper in the pocket

THEO:

What is it

BABETTE:

It’s a To Do list

THEO:

What does it say

BABETTE:

Pick up dry cleaning

Return library books

Leave The

THEO:

Leave The

BABETTE:

Leave the O

Oh Leave Theo

I couldn’t read the O at first

LATISHA: The cops ain’t looking for no girl so we don’t get caught. (Pause.) Until now. Now, we kinda worried. Kinda in trouble.

YVONNE: (To Latisha.) Why?

LATISHA: Yo! You can’t tell nobody. And I mean nobody.

YVONNE: (To Latisha.) No, no, I won’t.

LATISHA: I’m telling you I’ll jack you up for real.

YVONNE: (To Latisha.) I won’t tell.

LATISHA: (Pause.) We capped that teacher.

JESSICA: But you know black kids don’t really do that, do they? Black kids don’t go into the cafeteria and shoot up everybody or stalk teachers and shoot them. Isn’t that true? If one of Tim’s black students was angry with him, the black student would have shot Tim right there in the moment. Isn’t that right? (Pause.) Isn’t that right? (Detective doesn’t answer. Continuing.) Then we wouldn’t be here. The black student would have been arrested and we wouldn’t be here. (Pause.) A couple of months ago some people were even saying I had something to do with it. Like it was all some elaborate scheme I thought up. (Pause.) I don’t know if it was a girl dressed like a guy or a guy dressed like a girl dressed like a guy. I only know the killer was black. (Pause.) The killer was black.

PAT: They’re promoting you on one story, but your work here has been…

YVONNE: Fine.

PAT: Sloppy.

YVONNE: It was fine.

PAT: You don’t really believe that. (Pause.) The things you say and the way you say them matter because words matter. When I was going through hell integrating this paper that was the only thing that kept me going, knowing the power of words to effect change. You had an opportunity to do some great things at Outlook…

YVONNE: If you hadn’t given me such a hard time…

PAT: If you liked me then you would have done your job? What kind of journalist do you want to be?

LULU: Mr. Marcus, I didn’t even want to waste your time. Pride and Prejudice is not a book that makes for a teleplay.

MARTIN: Philco’s killing us with the class acts.

LULU: There’s more to classy material than rich people in mansions talking in high-class accents. There are stories to tell about the little guy, an American guy, and the contributions they make; or even fail to make. You see a bum on the street, or a woman yelling at her kids after working in a factory all day, but to really understand what causes that behavior… Each of these people had goals; they had dreams; they had disappointments. TV can get inside that, can get close, and be honest about it. That’s what’s classy.

MARTIN: So no more period pieces?

LULU: If they’re topical.

MARTIN: Pride and prejudice: sounds topical.

LULU: It’s about marriage. Today’s audience has more on their mind than who marries who.

TAD: You say that like you know what it means. We don’t even know what it means yet.

LULU: I do know what it means. “Tele” is Greek for far and “vision” is Latin for seeing, and it’s the perfect name, because it’s democratic.

TAD: Democratic?

LULU: Yes, both languages get a vote. And what TV does is democratic: a machine that treats everyone equal, so a girl in Indiana is as important as a fat cat in New Jersey. TV is free. It moves through the air that we breathe. You don’t have to buy a ticket. You don’t need a car. We’re all together even if we’re a thousand miles apart. We all belong. Finally. Don’t look at me like I’m crazy.

TAD: That’s not how I’m looking at you.

LULU: How then?

TAD: Like you’re beautiful.

LULU: Don’t let them do this.

MARTIN: Do what?

LULU: Turn you into a coward.

TAD: It’s not cowardice.

PAUL: It’s patriotism.

LULU: It’s not illegal to go to a political conference. It’s not illegal to be a communist for crying out loud.

SUZIE: Oh, I think it is.

LULU: This is America.

SUZIE: But not for communists.

PAUL: Don’t kid yourself, miss, these people want to infiltrate our way of life.

LULU: Can you even define “infiltrate?”

PAUL: All I know is they’re trying to infiltrate the Actors Studio.

KALINA: Is weird holiday, you know? Where we all eat of same bird which then makes us feel sleepy.

CAROL: (Happy to change the subject.) Well, someday let’s all celebrate a holiday in your country!!!

KALINA: Ecch. Why? On, no, Carol. Is stupid place. Is nothing to do. Is just old men who piss in street all of the time. And the cars too expensive for the people. America is much better for living. Here everyone have the cars. Even the poor black people have the car. Why do the black people get the cars? They have no money. Get cars with the credit cards. Credit cards good deal for the black people. And they just send them in the mail! Send them the credit card and say here, black people, go buy the car with this!!!

CAROL: (Reinterpreting positively.) Corporations do prey on the disadvantaged. That is so true.

CLAY: It’s just so red and inflamed. Down there. You know?

CASH: Yeah.

CLAY: Been that way a couple of days.

CASH: Looks painful, yeah.

CLAY: Ever seen anything like that before?

CASH: Uhhh… dunno.

CLAY. All… scaly. And there’s this… this… sticky…

CASH: Discharge. Yah. This’ll stop her scratching it. (Cash begins writing prescription.)

CLAY: As long as he denies it, sure, let him do whatever he wants! Let him steal! Just like the fucking president stole the election!! Twice. And I bet you a thousand bucks last time he voted for the asshole. (To Cash.) Didn’t you? Huh? A thousand bucks. Admit it. You thief. Come on. Admit it.

CASH: That’s none of your business.

CLAY: (The ultimate triumph.) Ahhhhahaha!!! You voted for Bush!!! I knew it! Look at him, Mom! For Bush!!! You son is a Republican!!! Your beloved little Cash is a fucking Republican!!!

JUDGE LITTLEFIELD: Cunningham, you’re the cynical, faithless spawn of a crackpot gypsy and a defrocked mick—yet, you just told me Jesus would have you on your knees in three minutes.

CUNNINGHAM: So?

JUDGE LITTLEFIELD: So consider this: your friend Judas? He has Jesus for three years. Think about that, Cunningham. Three years in the foxhole with the best friend ya ever had, then he shot him in the back for a pack of Kools. Think what that says about the essential character of the man. Now go home and stir that into your wee gypsy teapot! Petition’s invalid, motion denied! Next case!

SATAN: Hey. Judas, lemme ask you something: Who is this Jesus of Nazareth guy I’ve been hearing about?

JUDAS: Jesus of Nazareth?

SATAN: Yeah—I heard he’s some kinda somebody.

JUDAS: Some kinda somebody?

SATAN: Yeah, that’s what I heard.

JUDAS: Aw, fuck that guy, man—he’s a bitch!

SATAN: Look, I didn’t make you people, God did, okay? But, there was a design flaw in the creation: He gave you free will—and to balance that out you were designed to self-correct. But, unlike the “free will” muscle, the “self-correct” muscle is not a particular favorite of the homo sapiens. I’d say “self-correct” falls somewhere between “colonoscopy” and “firing squad” on most people’s holiday “wish” lists. At any rate, the truth it: I don’t have to actively compete for human souls—I don’t have to lull or flatter or tempt or deceive—because with God at the helm and you people running around wrecking havoc: I’ll be honest, I spend most of my time on a sofa watching one-hour dramas on HBO.